Exclusive peak at FGW remake of The Railway Children

Word reaches me that, in an attempt to improve its image and public profile, First Great Western is to back a remake of the classic 1970 film The Railway Children based on Edith Nesbit’s novel of the same name. (Ooo, that Jenny Agutter!)

Anyway, having trawled the darker reaches of the internet and been in touch with a number of sources in Hollywood, I’ve been able to snatch a glimpse of the FGW version of the script. While I’m unable to reproduce it in full for copyright reasons, I can now present to you my exclusive summary. So here goes…

The Railway Children, as retold by First Great Western

Set in contemporary England, a middle class family from London with three children – Roberta, Phyllis and Mix Master P-J of the Streatham Massive, their knife toting brother – must relocate to the bleak Yorkshire Moors following the imprisonment of their father for emailing Gardeners’ Question Time about bulk purchases of fertilizer.

Once in their new home, they discover the local train station, where they start hanging about a bit. It is an unmanned station with just a speaking ticket machine (voiced by Bernard Cribbins) which says dryly amusing Yorkshire homilies like “Will you be paying by card or cash?” By day the station is a dumping ground for overweight people and community care types; by night it is home to gangs of drunks and hoodies. P-J falls in with the wrong crowd, attempts to steal a urinal to burn on the fire at home, is arrested and given an ASBO banning him from appearing in the rest of the film.

Several whizzo adventures then befall Roberta and Phyllis. They save a boy on a school paper chase who gets stuck in a tunnel and is the cause of all peak hour services being delayed for two hours. Ye Olde Yorkshire Train Operating Company then issues a statement blaming Network Rail for late running. (Geddit?)

They witness a freak landslide which sends a tree and some earth crashing onto the track. Although the two girls are able to stop the approaching train by pretending to be school children trespassing on the rails, the track is shut for a month and commuters have to travel via donkey.

Next, a sickly foreign gentleman is found collapsed at the station. Roberta and Phyllis phone the border police and have him arrested as an illegal immigrant.

Finally, the emotional climax of the film: the Old Gentleman tells Roberta to be at the station to meet a particular train. What Roberta does not realize is that her father has been released from jail due to overcrowding and is travelling to join his family. However, things go awry. Unable to afford the extortionate fare, he travels without a ticket and is thrown off the train by revenue protection officers. When he is finally able to raise the necessary money by selling a kidney, the train fails to stop at his station due to signaling problems and strands him in Bristol where he dies after eating a mini Melton Mowbray pork pie from the station café.

In her anguish at the news of his death, Roberta loses the will to live so becomes a customer host on First Great Western. She ends the film sobbing over the tannoy as she announces happy hour prices in the buffet, then takes her own life by choking on a breakfast bap. The End.

Wow! Sounds like a classic to me, boys and girls. Popcorn anyone?