We were adelanted again on Monday night. Standing room-only on the 6pm Paddington-Bristol and not a word of apology from the train manager about the overcrowding. They also canned this morning's 6.55am Chippenham-Paddington due to staff sickness. Ho hum.
But at least Monday night’s commute gave me an idea for this latest post. It got me thinking about the need to protect your personal space on a cramped First Great Western journey, reminding me me of the old Ben Elton mantra: “Double seat, double seat, gotta getta double seat.” Indeed, there’s nothing nicer than being able to spread out over a double seat with no one sitting next to you. So, without further delay – unlike FGW (Ho ho!) – here are my top tips for ensuring that you keep your double seat all to yourself!
1. Lay down a one or two choice farts as a deterrent. A good Italian lunch should provide plenty of ammunition for the evening journey home. Just sit down, raise a cheek, squeeze one out, then relax and watch the faces of any approaching commuters as they recoil in horror at the ghastly aroma you’re exuded.
2. Kick those shoes off. Stretch out your legs to reveal two sweaty, stinky socks, preferable with holes in them, then let out a loud groan of pleasure and begin to massage your feet. An occasional “Oh yeah…Oh yeah” should add to the repulsion factor.
3. Pick your nose. If possible, get a good, juicy green goober on your fingertip and roll it around a bit while saying; “No, no one sitting there.”
4. Get a mass of complicated-looking paperwork out of your bag and spread it liberally across the two seats.
5. Behave like you’re suffering from some sort of metal illness. Try rocking back and forth in your seat a bit while saying, “No, that’s not right…Mummy doesn’t want me to do that…Mummy would never ask me to hurt anyone…” Then, just occasionally, shout “Cocksucker!” at the top of your voice. And should the train manager make an announcement, grab the sides of your head and shout; “Get out of my mind! I won’t listen to you!”
6. Always sit in the aisle seat. People will tend to go for an aisle seat rather than ask to squeeze past you – particularly with that grumpy face you’re pulling.
7. Have a feast. Buy a load of stinky, greasy food and spread it out over the seats like one of Billy Bunter’s boarding school midnight feasts. Doner kebabs, burgers and sausage rolls are particularly good. Also a can of Special Brew.
8. Carry a small container of shaved Parmesan cheese with you. When you sit down, sprinkle some of the shavings on the empty seat next to you, then some on your head and shoulders. If anyone approaches, start scratching your head violently and grimace.
9. Read a copy of the Daily Telegraph or Financial Times, or any large broadsheet paper for that matter. Think of the paper as being like the shields in Star Trek; when anyone gets close, block them with it.
1o. Objectionable reading matter. Place on the seat and table copies of the following: Shaven Lovelies, Nazi Foot Fetish, Scat Monthly, The British National Party bumper fun annual 2007, and First Great Western’s own magazine.
11. When anyone approaches, just look them in the eye, rest your hand on the spare seat, patting it lightly, and say: “Would you like to sit next to me?”
12. Er…
13…that’s all.
14. Bye for now.
But at least Monday night’s commute gave me an idea for this latest post. It got me thinking about the need to protect your personal space on a cramped First Great Western journey, reminding me me of the old Ben Elton mantra: “Double seat, double seat, gotta getta double seat.” Indeed, there’s nothing nicer than being able to spread out over a double seat with no one sitting next to you. So, without further delay – unlike FGW (Ho ho!) – here are my top tips for ensuring that you keep your double seat all to yourself!
1. Lay down a one or two choice farts as a deterrent. A good Italian lunch should provide plenty of ammunition for the evening journey home. Just sit down, raise a cheek, squeeze one out, then relax and watch the faces of any approaching commuters as they recoil in horror at the ghastly aroma you’re exuded.
2. Kick those shoes off. Stretch out your legs to reveal two sweaty, stinky socks, preferable with holes in them, then let out a loud groan of pleasure and begin to massage your feet. An occasional “Oh yeah…Oh yeah” should add to the repulsion factor.
3. Pick your nose. If possible, get a good, juicy green goober on your fingertip and roll it around a bit while saying; “No, no one sitting there.”
4. Get a mass of complicated-looking paperwork out of your bag and spread it liberally across the two seats.
5. Behave like you’re suffering from some sort of metal illness. Try rocking back and forth in your seat a bit while saying, “No, that’s not right…Mummy doesn’t want me to do that…Mummy would never ask me to hurt anyone…” Then, just occasionally, shout “Cocksucker!” at the top of your voice. And should the train manager make an announcement, grab the sides of your head and shout; “Get out of my mind! I won’t listen to you!”
6. Always sit in the aisle seat. People will tend to go for an aisle seat rather than ask to squeeze past you – particularly with that grumpy face you’re pulling.
7. Have a feast. Buy a load of stinky, greasy food and spread it out over the seats like one of Billy Bunter’s boarding school midnight feasts. Doner kebabs, burgers and sausage rolls are particularly good. Also a can of Special Brew.
8. Carry a small container of shaved Parmesan cheese with you. When you sit down, sprinkle some of the shavings on the empty seat next to you, then some on your head and shoulders. If anyone approaches, start scratching your head violently and grimace.
9. Read a copy of the Daily Telegraph or Financial Times, or any large broadsheet paper for that matter. Think of the paper as being like the shields in Star Trek; when anyone gets close, block them with it.
1o. Objectionable reading matter. Place on the seat and table copies of the following: Shaven Lovelies, Nazi Foot Fetish, Scat Monthly, The British National Party bumper fun annual 2007, and First Great Western’s own magazine.
11. When anyone approaches, just look them in the eye, rest your hand on the spare seat, patting it lightly, and say: “Would you like to sit next to me?”
12. Er…
13…that’s all.
14. Bye for now.
2 comments:
EK you've been excelling yourself lately - your last two posts made me laugh out loud (strange looks at the office). As a regular commuter from Swindon-London I can completely understand every post.... keep up the good work!
Make sure the kebabs have extra chilli, I used to always blag a table to myself on the old Midland Mainline HST's rather easily buy purchasing a large shish from Grand Kebab near Leicester station. Go for McEwans Export, rather than special brew. Equally foul smelling, but rather more tasty, and gives the impression of Scottishness rather than being on the dole.
Equally if you own an I-Pod make sure the volume is set so that although you don't upset the whole carriage, anyone sitting next to you will get an idea of what you are listening to. If you can stomach it, dutch techno does the trick, or if you fancy something a bit more 'classical' the Ace of Spades by Motorhead on repeat.
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